another summer down...

I've kind of abandoned this blog page. It's basically been about a year since I wrote last time. I believe I was a completely different person, and it's easy to see that looking back on last summer.

This summer...has changed my life. This YEAR has changed my life. God put me through a lot this past year. He needed to get me back, because I lost my sight of Him.

God allowed my heart to be shattered before Him this past year. I was in a bad relationship with somebody who wasn't following God. I lost sight of God because of it. I was deceived. I was bitter. I was lonely. I was following this world. I was broken. It wasn't pretty. And it wasn't fulfilling either. I didn't even know who I had become. I was drinking and going to parties, and trying to find worth in guys, and telling myself that the Christian life just was too boring and that I could try and have both lives. I wasn't committed to God or His church. I hate to think about that. Somehow in December, God got me to Faithwalkers...and He was so evidently drawing me back to Him and speaking loud and clear...

"Megan, it's not too late to choose Me again." So I did. I chose Him again. As much as I turned my back on Him and chose this world, He kept knocking on my heart, He stood there with His open arms. So I was welcomed back by my God and He wasn't mad at me...He rejoiced. That is His heart!

That isn't the end of the story though. It's just the beginning. God and I still had a lot to figure out together. You see, my heart was still hanging onto this guy I thought I couldn't live without. As broken as I was because of this relationship, it was like a drug to me or something. If it was going well, then I was happy. If it was sour, I was so broken. We had been on and off for a year and a half, and had never gotten anywhere. Finally, we were done. Before I knew it, this guy had another girlfriend after he told me to wait for God to bring us together. I felt so betrayed. I had this new awesome relationship with God, and now He was allowing my heart to be ripped out...and it really was the end. You see, everytime before I knew that we would eventually start things up again. It's what we did. But no, I knew this was the end. And I was relieved, but broken all at the same time. I made a deal with God that day. In my letting go completely, and cutting all means of communication off, I wanted God to heal my heart fully in 40 days. It was my own little "fast."

He healed me. My God, My Father, My Comforter healed my heart. He grew me. He disciplined me. He taught me. He challenged me. He FILLED ME WITH NEW JOY, that wasn't based on circumstances. God spared me by getting rid of that relationship. He allowed me to go through with it to learn my need for Him, and to find out who I am in Him.

It has been amazing, this journey. God brought me out here to Provo, Utah this summer. I didn't know anybody super well, except Phil, and I wasn't looking forward to it, honestly. But man, God showed up and exceeded beyond ALL my expectations. He has met my every need this summer. He has become everything to me. I am NOTHING without God, and I have NOTHING without God. I NEED HIM. And He's mine! He's always there for me. He is my peace. It has been such an overwhelming summer, so much to take in, and through the midst of all the chaos, I was sure to walk to that river and talk to my God, and leave with utter peace. That's who my God is. He has redeemed me, sanctified me, changed my heart. Everything good in this life is of God. I have learned that this summer. I have learned that this year. And I only pray that I will continue to grow in my love for Him and knowledge of who He is. I never want to be deceived into thinking that something else will satisfy my heart, I never want to look anywhere else, because He's it. And He's showed me that this summer.

I'm sad to leave Provo. But I rest in knowing that God isn't just here. He is everywhere. He brought me here this summer to get my whole heart. He has it. I don't want it for anybody else. He is coming with me back to Colorado in a week, and He is going to be with me wherever else I go. He holds my hand as we walk through this life together. He knows my heart, and He knows my desires. I now need to remember that God has me where I am at for a specific reason and purpose. He wants to use me. And so wherever He has me at the time being, I want to be all there. I don't want to wish for a different season of life, or a different place even. I want God to lead me. I want God to lead my heart. He gives the best gifts, and He has the best plans. I only ever want to be in the center of His will.